The Stories of Zarni....

[Zarni]

'tis not of the fame i think, but i like to receive plenty of feedback, that's why i post. just thought it would be nice if, if others are reading it, and even enjoying it, that they could let me know what they think.

thank you, by the way, toptomcat. another chapter tomorrow. this one has the president in it.

[Zarni]

Bit 9.

The next few days saw Billy and Lilly moving between the Welsh mountains and Slough at the uttering of a few words and confusing the hell out of Reality. On the third day a plan was reached through several long tedious hours of conversation and discussion on the subject of the Saving of Mankind, and sometimes TV programmes and the stupidity of parents and adults in general. By the end of that third day they had something which was comparable to a workable plan in the same way a McDonald’s burger is comparable to food, but at least it was a plan. The analogy cannot, alas, be continued in the same way with the burger.

Anyway, this dubiously conceived plan consisted of using Billy’s ‘powers’ to go around talking to the various world leaders and convincing them somehow of something that they hadn’t yet thought of. This was put into action without delay, and the first on the list was the most powerful: the president of the United States of America.

“We’re with the president of the United States of America,” said Billy, decisively.

With a quiet pop, Reality realised its mistake; Billy Dimble and Lilly Bimble were meant to be with the president, and they weren’t. This was quickly corrected, the result being that Billy and Lilly were instantly transported to a large bathroom which had previously contained only the most powerful man on Earth having his bath, and a small yellow rubber duck. It now contained two small eight-year-old children and a very surprised looking most powerful man on Earth up to his neck in bubbles. Not to mention a now rather unhappy looking small yellow rubber duck.

“Um,” started Billy, “Mr. President, sir, excuse me, I'm Billy Dimble and this,” he indicated to Lilly, “is Lilly Bimble. She’s the rightful messiah and Saviour of Mankind.”

After the president had finished the coughing fit which he must have been in the middle of when they arrived, thought Billy, he carefully extracted a large chunk of the aforementioned sad and deflated looking small yellow rubber duck from between his teeth and said: “Where the hell did you two come from?”

“Oh, we came from Slough,” said Billy, by way of an explanation.

“OK, Ah’ll rephrase that,” said the president after a moment’s thought, his face beginning to glow red, “how did you two get in here?”

“Well, I don’t quite understand how it works myself, Mr. President, sir, I think it’s something to do with confusing Reality.”

“Now, you be holdin’ on a minute there,” said the president, slowly, “Ah may have been dabblin’ with not-quite-legal substances, but Ah'm beginnin’ to think that maybe you two ain’t no hallucination.”

“We’re not!” Lilly said, indignantly.

“You’d best be bein’ careful, lil girlie, coz if Ah think you ain't no hallucination then Ah might just have to call ma bodyguards,” threatened the president.

“They wouldn’t see us, would they, Billy,” said Lilly, nudging him as she spoke.

Billy caught on. “No, they wouldn’t see us,” he said.

“They’d think you’d gone mad, and you know what that would mean, don’t you Mr. President?” insinuated Lilly, very intelligently for a nearly-nine-year-old.

“Impeachment,” whispered Billy, mockingly.

The president considered this for a few moments. Impeachment was something he definitely wanted to avoid. It was impossible, was it not, for two children, British by the sound of it, to appear in his bathroom. If it was impossible, then they couldn’t be here, could they? But if they weren’t here, then why could he hear and see them? For that matter, why was he talking to them? But if he was talking to people who weren’t there, then that would make him mad, wouldn’t it? And a madman, the president told himself, was certainly not fit to be president, was he? Maybe if he talked to them for a bit they would go away, like that irritating rash which had recently appeared you-know-where.

“OK, what is it you two want?”

“Well, we actually want to bring about world peace, and we were wondering if you could give us some advice on how to do it.”

“Hmm. A hard one, then. Well, Ah would start by nukin’ China. Ah would continue by nukin’ Cuba, Afghanistan, Iraq and Zimbabwe. Then Ah'd nuke Russia too, just in case. Never trusted them Soviets.”

“No, Mr. President!” gasped Lilly, wide-eyed. “We want to do it peacefully! We don’t want to hurt anyone!”

“You wanna do it without violence?” gasped the president, also wide-eyed.

“Yes!” chorused Billy and Lilly together.

An odd change came suddenly over the president of the United States of America; he began to laugh.

“Without violence! What a stupid idea!”

Billy and Lilly turned to one another.

“I don’t think this is going to get us very far, do you? On to the next one, do you think?”

Lilly nodded.

“We are with the Prime Minister of Great Britain.”

They disappeared, leaving the president alone with his duck. Then the president started to choke, and a secret service member, who had previously been taking a convenient coffee break, rushed in and commenced thumping him on the back. The most powerful man in the world coughed twice and spat the beak of his rubber duck into his hand.

“Are you OK, sir?”

“Ah’ll be needin’ a new rubber duck.” The president thought for a moment. “You're never alone with a rubber duck,” he said, philosophically.

[Zarni]

Bit 10.

Everywhere they went, they received the same response:

“What a decidedly preposterous idea.”

“Quelle idée sotte!”

“¡Que tonto idea!”

“Blöd ideen!!!”

“Shto glupost, comrade!”

“Stupid idea, mate! I'm off. G’day.” And so on.

This last one saw Billy and Lilly standing alone in the middle of the Outback after attempting to talk with the Prime Minister of Australia as a last resort. He had walked off, and was now disappearing into the horizon in the back of an open-topped jeep waving a gun in the air and shouting obscure gibberish to the blue and cloudless sky. Most odd, thought Billy. Still, it’d be a funny old world if we could all understand each other.

“What now, then, Billy? We’ve tried all the ones who matter and they all laughed at us.”

“We could try China,” suggested Billy.

“I can't speak Chinese.”

“Good point.”

They stood in silence for a few minutes. A tumbleweed blew across the sand in front of them. Billy gave it a Look. It rolled off in an abashed fashion. Suddenly, inspiration dawned on Lilly’s over-freckled face.

“I know,” she exclaimed, “why don’t you just say ‘We have world peace’?”

“I never thought of that,” said Billy. “Yeah, it might just work!”

He decided to try it.

“We,” he declared to a parched bush, “have world peace!”

What followed was a loud ripping noise as Reality tore itself in two, right down the middle.

“Hmm,” said Billy, “I don’t think that worked.”

“No.”

“God?”

“Billy, what have you done now?”

“You should know that,” said Lilly cheekily.

“I do, that was a rhetorical question,” replied God.

“What have we done, God?” asked Billy, timidly.

“You said that you had world peace, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Reality tried to adjust itself to that, and, of course, couldn’t, so now you, Billy Dimble, have Torn the Fabric of Reality. Congratulations. Even Moses only split the Red Sea, and he needed my help to do it.”

“Sorry.”

“Sorry is not really sufficient, is it? I've managed to save the world from the rupture you caused in the space-time continuum, but unspeakable demons and horrific creatures have emerged, and can't be sent back. It should be all right though; I have been able to pass them off as something marginally human, but the leadership of the United States may be somewhat doubtful for the next few years.”

“All we wanted to do was make peace,” whined Lilly.

“That’s what they all say,” said God. “Unfortunately, there is no easy way to do it. You cannot simply say something and bring it about. Humans have free choice, and they have to want peace. In their hearts, most of them don’t. Believe me, I know.”

“So what can we do?” asked Billy. “We’re meant to be saving humanity!”

“I think you’ll find that the best thing for you to do would be to take a group of humans, preferably young ones, somewhere and found a colony. At least that way you can save a few from the idiocies of the rest,” suggested God.

“Where can we go?”

“I’ll take care of that.”

“Who shall we take? What about your chosen people? Who are they?”

“They all think they’re my chosen people.”

“Yes, but who’s really your favourite? What about people who worship loads of gods? Are they heretics?”

“No. It doesn’t really matter who they pray to; it all comes back to me in the end. So I don’t have a favourite. Do you have a favourite button on your jacket, Billy?”

“Well, no, but…”

“Exactly. Although I do like the Buddhists. Nice lot of people the Buddhists, no Crusades or Jihads or random massacres. They don’t do anyone any harm.”

“So we should save the Buddhists?”

“No, save some children from orphanages, and take them where I tell you to.”

“OK God, we’d better start choosing our children.”

[Zarni]

nearly done now; you'll have the end by monday...

[Zarni]

Bit 11.

“No, dad, they’re not coming here!”

“You’ll do as I say, Lucifer.”

“But why dad?”

“Because it’s time for you to grow up Lucifer, and this will be the first step in your adulthood. It’s time you learnt that there’s more to immortal life than picking on inferior beings. The humans will be here to stay, and if you try any mischief on them…” God left the sentence hanging. “And take off those stupid horns. They’re melodramatic and over the top. Fashion is one thing I shall never understand.”

“Oh, Dad!”

“And stop talking in that silly voice.”

“Dad!”

“Now, Lucifer. I’ll tell you what, if you want to annoy someone, why don’t you be good, follow in my metaphorical footsteps. That would certainly annoy the Catholics.”

Muttering, Lucifer took off his horns and threw his trident into the corner.

“There. Is that good enough, Dad?”

“That’s better, thank you, Lucifer. It will do for now, but the tail will have to go too.”

“You don’t remember what it was like to be young!” Lucifer accused.

“I never was young. I always have been, and I always will be. I am eternal and never-ending” replied God.

“That’s what you always say!” said Lucifer, and stormed off.

“And don’t let me catch you manifesting, either, or there’ll be all hell to pay,” God said as his son left.

“Oh, Dad!”

[Zarni]

Bit 12.

And so it was that Billy Dimble and Lilly Bimble led their group of a few million or so orphan children into Hell, and Hell was colonised. The utopian paradise of which Hell used to consist slowly returned with the influx of humans and all that that entailed. The colony thrived.

Of course, mankind always feels the need to automatically adapt any environment it finds itself in to suit its own needs. As a result, Hell had to change. A committee was established to oversee this redevelopment work, and an attempt was made at making Hell a little more commercial. After several meetings in which the main item on the agenda was what colour the plastic refreshment cups should be at said meetings, they finally got down to some work. After a further considerable amount of time spent conducting market research, the committee discovered that what ethereal beings really wanted was somewhere where they could come for a short winter holiday. It came to the conclusion, therefore, that what Hell really needed to be most like was a ski resort.

Consequently, many impossible things had to happen in the world of mortals above, as, slowly but surely, Hell began to freeze over…

The Third Coming – Are You Prepared?

Our readers may be interested to know that tickets are now on sale for the Third Coming of the Messiah and Saviour of All Mankind.

Those who wish to pre-book their tickets for what will almost certainly be the event of this unworthy creation should phone [phone].

Others may feel free to pray for tickets by Divine Miracle Service if they so wish.

Hurry, numbers are limited, and it’s first come first served!

Have you got yours?

- END -

so there you go, chaps. what did you think?

[Toptomcat]

It felt a bit cut short, but really quite funny. ;D

[Zarni]

thanks! how could i have improved it? i really couldn't think of anywhere else i could have taken the idea without wearing it out and overdoing/stretching it; what would you suggest?

[Toptomcat]

Perhaps cutting out one of the middle chapters and adding one or more at the end to 'segue' more gracefully into the conclusion. How those two managed to get a few million children to colonize Hell, for example- that must've been like herding kittens!

[Zarni]

that's a good idea. i don't like the idea of getting rid of stuff from the middle, but something about how they got the kids to hell would probably be good... maybe another two chapters in there. i think i was beginning to get bored with the idea in th end, you see, which might be why i cut it short. i'll see what i can do when i have some spare time.
what do you think k-man?

[K Man]

I like it...and I agree...felt to come to a close a bit quickly and abruptly.

I also concur that more fluff in the middle chapters would help.

Perhaps add another scene with another world leader, perhaps in much the same fashion as the Pres. showing that, 'they really aren't that different' despite hatred for each other.

I.E. - Billy says, "The President said the same thing!" to which the Prime minister or wherever says, "Preposterous...I change my position!" Billy says, "So that means we can achieve peace without violence?" to which the minister responds..."No, we just use Napalm instead of nukes..."

Or something to that effect.

On the whole though, I enjoyed it. Glad you decided to bring it to the boards.

[Zarni]

hmmm, what about going to the chinese premier after all? could play on the hostility between usa and china, but it would have to be a short chapter, there isn't that much more you can say in that vein, really, without just making it drag.
i think there will be another chapter or two on the end.
we'll get this thing to novel length yet!!!

[sonnetinkinston]

Zarni, your sense of humor is never ending... ;D I love it.

Maybe it was just me, but I get a hint of "Phantom Tollbooth" characteristics with a lot of the story, from the completely preposterous statements a lot of the characters make.

I'm not much for criticism myself, as I feel that a writer is always their own worst critic, but I feel that you've have a handle on this anyway. Very nicely done.


And BTW, have you ever read a book entitled The Beekeeper's Apprentice? It's an obscure series by Laurie R. King, featuring a young, female apprentice to Sherlock Holmes. He comments upon the society of bees in general, and you may find it amusing considering your second story.

[Zarni]

thanks! hmm, not a book i've read, the inspiration for lenin's bees came from a bizarre mix of a teacher i had who kept bees and my interest in the differences between communist and capitalist ideologies.
it's probably my favourite out of what i've written.

there is another story i'm proud of, but the odd formatting means i can't really post it here; it's actually two stories, in parallel columns down the page, and each stems from a single event which had two possible outcomes. each column was a different outcome, and it was a sort of comment on the nature of time and the tongue in cheek exploration of a concept i found interesting.
wish i could post it.... :S

[EDIT: you can now find my BRAND SPANKING NEW STORY in the thread entitled 'AS YET UNNAMED'.....]

[Medesha]

I just read "Lenin's Bees". Wow. Seriously, wow. That was a brilliant little piece of work. I would send it somewhere if I were you! I'm frankly envious.

[Zarni]

envious. wow, praise indeed from someone who can write to your standard. i hope you enjoy some of the others as much, although i have to say lenin's bees is my personal favourite of all the stories i've written, and it's received the best feedback. i'd be interested in hearing which one you think is best.

[Zarni]

as i mentioned a while ago, i was going to write in two new chapters for 'what you say is what you get'. here they are! (please note that any, or at least most inconsistancies that these chapters mya hold with the rest of the story have been sorted out in the actual version, but i can't be bothered to repost all the relevant chapters)

Bit 9a[/b][/u]

The Chinese premier was out the back for a quick smoke when two small children of seemingly western extraction appeared to him in a vision. At least, he hoped it was a vision; if not, someone in security had seriously cocked up.

“Hello,” said Billy in perfect Chinese, “are you the Chinese premier?”

“Yes, yes I am, and who are you?” asked a somewhat startled head of state, choking on his cigarette. He coughed it back up and tried to regain an air of calm and confidence.

“I’m Lilly Bimble, and he’s Billy Dimble,” answered Lilly, finding that she too could speak the language. “We’re here to ask if you could help us make world peace.”

“World peace? And how in Mao’s name do you intend to do that? Give everyone flowers?” he snorted.

“Well, we were rather hoping that you would be able to give us some advice on how to go about it,” explained Billy, calmly.

“Ha! All I can suggest is nuking America,” chortled the Chinese premier heartily.

“Funny,” said Lilly to Billy, “that was exactly what the American president said about you.”

The premier appeared taken aback for a moment. Then he said: “Did he? Hmm, well on second thoughts, maybe nukes would actually be a silly idea. No, not nukes.”

“What then?”

“Napalm!”

Billy and Lilly disappeared, leaving the premier to choke once more on his imported western cigarette.

[Zarni]

(this is definately a better chapter)


Bit 11a[/b][/u]

Pop.


“Is this the orphanage Billy?’

The building upon which they gazed was a somewhat ramshackle affair; the walls seemed inclined to exist on a plane several degrees off the vertical, and the roof, through force of peer pressure, found that it too had to be consistent with this unique form of architectural non-conformity. Grime-stained nearly to the point of opacity, the windows seemed somehow misplaced in such a building, as if the purpose of the edifice was simply to pay homage to shoe boxes, and not to be a dwelling place for the hundred or so orphans whom Billy and Lilly knew to inhabit it.

The door eyed them mournfully through its rusty knocker; it had not had visitors in some time. Hand in hand they approached down the short garden path, noting as they did so the multitude of nettles which had long since moved in and taken up permanent residence on the lawn. The mud squelched underfoot as they walked, and Billy felt glad that the earlier rain had eased off, allowing the path to dry a little from its previously lake-like state to this merely swamp-like one. In short, this orphanage was a tip.

“This orphanage is a tip,” he commented nonchalantly to Lilly.

“Yes,” she nodded, “but maybe that’s the point. These people might not be evil capitalist pig dogs and warmongers.”

“True,” conceded Billy, worrying a little about her venomous tone. He wondered if their recent meeting with the Chinese premier had not influenced her a little too profoundly.

They reached the door. They considered it carefully, in a manner not dissimilar to that of a cow looking at a farmer who, whilst standing before it and grinning inanely, is holding both hands behind his back. Finally, Billy summoned the courage and strength of will to knock. This he did once, twice, thrice, loudly. Slowly, steadily, and without fuss, the door fell off its hinges, disturbing with a crash and a rush of air the dust that had lain sleeping for some time.

“Hello?” said a tiny, timid tinny voice from inside. It was followed by the slow entrance into Lilly and Billy’s field of view of a tiny, timid, tinny boy who almost crept forward from the musty darkness, squinting as he approached the light of day.

“My name’s Timmy,” he said.



“So you and all the others have lived here underground for how long?” asked Billy incredulously.

“Since the creation of the world,” intoned a tired Timmy, turgidly, for the third time. He was beginning to grow a little bored of repeatedly explaining the whole thing. “When the world was created there were several things that were made for special purposes. The whale that swallowed Jonah, for example, and the rainbow that Noah saw. We are another one. We have been waiting for you for timeless eons, in timeless sleep. Now we awaken once more, to fulfil our purpose.”

“And how many of you are there?”

“One hundred and eighteen. Enough to start a fair sized colony.”

“Oh, you know about that, then?” Lilly asked, perplexed.

“Of course. Everything with a specific purpose must have knowledge of that purpose, else the purpose is meaningless.”

“True. Knowledge is understanding,” stated Billy.

“And understanding is power,” added Lilly.

They looked at each other; that hadn’t been too bad for eight year olds.

“Your purpose is to lead us,” said Timmy, simply and bluntly. “Mine is to act as go between and aid you in your task.”

“And what do you ultimately perceive this task to be, oh trusted advisor?” inquired Billy, with just a touch of sarcasm inherent in his words, which, Lilly noted, were surprisingly, and increasingly more, advanced for his years. This, she supposed, was what the prospect of leadership did to one.

Timmy’s answer was abrupt and to the point: “The repopulation of mankind in Hell, of course. Now, let me introduce you to the rest of the children. I think you’re going to like them…”


i hope they have helped to add something to the story.