Feedback needed - A Nice Night

[Medesha]

[Hello, all! I'm planning on sending this out to magazines, among other stories. Feedback is terribly, pathetically appreciated.]

A Nice Night[/u]

Min sat at the bar, sipping her drink, and thought about murder.

She always wore something blue. It brought out her eyes - lovely azure orbs, almost violet in the right light, their slight slant giving her an exotic air. Everything about her was slight: the tilt of her eyes, the point of her ears, her small frame, the angle of her cheekbones. It seemed she would blow away on the faintest breeze, like dandelion fluff.

Tonight it was a scarf, a gauzy thing like a wisp of blue cloud. She'd tied back her smooth golden curls with it, letting them spill down her back like a silken waterfall. Her skirt was plain brown cotton; her blouse a dark green. Most women in the Rat's Nest dressed like men, fearing to be thought weak or to be mistaken for whores.

Min preferred it when men thought her weak. It made things easier.

And there's nothing wrong with being a whore.

"Goin' out tonight, Minny?" Rush drawled. A chuckle ran around the room; the words were innocent enough, but Rush's tone was inimitable. He could fit a whole paragraph into three words. You can go out, but come back home after, like a good little pet. No-one touch her while she's out, for she's my property.

Min smiled. She'd practiced in front of a mirror for a long time, until her face naturally fell into a sweet, vapid smile whenever she wasn't concentrating. She suspected she wore it in her sleep. "I'm just going out for a walk, Rush. Is that alright?"

She didn't mind having to ask. It pleased Rush, and that made it better for her. His handsome face stretched into a smile, brown eyes crinkling up in amusement. He was typically Sasanian, dark haired and duskily complected. Handsome as he was, he still blended in. Whereas even without the exotic touch of her elven features, Min stood out in a crowd. She was the only blonde in the room. Men looked at her hungrily, but it was a covetous look, not one of predation. She was a trinket, a piece of art, an oddity. They wanted to own her, just for a night, just so they could say they had.

Right now, she belonged to Rush. She didn't mind. It made no sense to resent the rung you were currently balanced on. Rush did things to her she didn't like in the dark, but he kept her from the other men. She appreciated that.

"S'alright," Rush smiled, "Don't get into any trouble, hey?"

"Wouldn't dream of it," she lied. She'd practiced that, too, lying to her mirror until she almost believed herself.

She walked out of the inn and into the cool night. The sun was just setting. She couldn't see the horizon behind the jagged skyline of peaked roofs, but the sky was orange over the western side of Toroush. It was almost winter, the smell of snow in the air, and the wind was chill. Min drew her cloak a little tighter around herself and began walking.

The Domid estate held itself above the poor titled houses, though it couldn't compare to the rich, sprawling estates of the Old Pashamen. It was a large manor house with yellow-glass windows that glowed like baleful eyes in the dark. The windows were narrow and all of a piece, not meant to be open. The massive front door was heavily engraved with complicated warding runes, ones that would take Min years to figure out.

A stable was set to the left, and a series of servants' quarters to the right. The grounds were well-kept, patrolled by a few lazy guards whose patterns Min knew. She kept to the shadows as she approached, her footsteps soft on the cobblestones. There was a fence around the estate, thin iron rods spaced a hand's-breadth apart, tipped with sharp spikes. Min sidled right up to it, close to the stables.

The guards were never quite far enough away for her taste. She stood sideways behind one of the thicker support fenceposts and watched them, the glow of their life-force moving across the fainter glow of the grass. Her heart sped a little faster as the guards turned and strolled back towards her.

One was a faceless, stocky entity in noisy armor. Min's had just enough elf in her to see his connection to the world, the strength of his life. It glowed in his chest like a small candle-flame, oval and yellow. The other was slightly taller than Min, round-faced and smooth-skinned, his glow dark and red and hard. His mouth was fleshy, droopy at the corners, and his boots were steel-shod. Min remembered lying crumpled on the grass of the lawn not too long ago, covering her head while the boots slammed into her ribs and stomach. One blow had been strong enough to throw her out of the fetal position and onto her back, and she remembered that puffy mouth bowing into a grin. The guard had liked the sight of blood on his boots.

The guards turned again at the end of their beat and began crossing the lawn in the other direction, lanterns bobbing in the dark. Min should have gone then, but she waited, trying to will her heart to slow. If only it hadn't been that guard. There had been too many nightmares, of bootsoles pressing into her face, smothering her. Waking up gasping for air, trying not to make a sound lest she disturb her mother's tenuous, precious sleep.

She waited for the guards to make another circuit, clenching her hands into fists and then relaxing. She stood still when they neared, holding her breath, trying not to tremble. When they were as far away as they were going to get, she called her power.

She lifted one hand, feeling the tingles starting in the tips of her fingers, and let the power build in her like a wave, like a drumbeat. The tingles ran up her arm and she let the power loose. She pointed beyond the guards and made a sound somewhere between a chirp and a warble. There was a word or two as well - Min never knew where they came from, or what they meant, only that they were in her mouth when she needed them. Perhaps it was tied to her elven heritage. The gift had come after her mother had died, so there was no one to ask.

A loud clang sounded from the opposite end of the lawn. Not the trite sound of a rock clipping the ground, but the more deliberate noise of steel on steel - a fight, perhaps, or an intruder's blade catching on the fence. The guards charged towards the darkness, pikes raised. Min took a few steps and leaped up, grabbing the finial, and with all the strength in her slight limbs she pulled herself up. She twisted nimbly to avoid the spikes, moving with a deliberate slowness as she crossed over so as not to catch her skirt on them. She dropped to the ground on the other side, soft as fog.

The guards were poking their pikes ineffectually into the shadows and waving their lanterns around. Min stepped quickly and confidently towards the stables.

The guard was turning around, suspicious. Min's heart was in her throat. It tasted like bile and blood, a heavy lump that made her want to gag. She threw herself against the stable wall, hoping the lantern-light dazzled the guard's night vision enough to make her invisible. His gaze flickered over her, and cold sweat dampened her chest and between her shoulder blades. If she were caught now - her vengeance would be lost, and possibly her life. And this man would make dying hurt.

He kept turning, in a circle, passing her over. They began moving up the fence, away from her, still searching for the source of the trouble. Min's shoulders ached with tension. She took a deep breath and slipped around the corner, into view of the guards again if they took the notion to turn around, and jammed a sliver of twisted wire into the lock of the stable.

The power was beating in her pulse, wanting to throw itself at the threat, at the guards. Min fought it down as she violated the lock. It gave up with a click and she hastily let herself in, closing the door behind her.

Had she closed it too quickly, too carelessly? Was that a bang? She locked the door from the inside and backed away, shivering. She heard the guards returning, whispering voices speaking words she could not make out. The door to the stable rattled, and Min drew her dagger. Her fingers were twitching spasmodically.

The rattling stopped, and the voices moved away. Min sheathed her dagger with trembling hands.

The darkness of the stables was hot, almost damp. It was pitch black, but Min's pretty eyes caught up the least bit of moonlight filtering through the cracks in the walls and she saw the room clearly. The horses stamped and whickered softly in their stalls, their glows big chunks of friendly golden-brown, but they were used to her and did not make too much noise. Some bales of hay had been stacked by the door. Min ran her fingers through her blonde curls, smoothed her skirt, and sat to wait.

[Medesha]

It was at least an hour, alone in the darkness, but she didn't fidget. She didn't pace or hum. She hardly even blinked. She sat and thought with an easy smile on her lips. She thought about the man in the house, and the dagger against her thigh, and what would happen when the two met.

Finally, cheerful whistling sounded from outside. The guards called a good-evening. They commented on the lateness.

"Frightful insomnia again. Thought I'd check on Racer. He's been fidgety lately."

The stable door swung open, moonlight pouring in. Min sat quietly while the man entered and shut the door. He fumbled with the flint, cursing a bit as he held the tiny flame to the lampwick. Finally it flared into life, sending quavering golden light over the stable.

"Min." By law he was a man, but Min could only think of him as 'boy'. He carefully shaved the fuzz on his face so its softness and sparseness would not show. He wore his long, dark hair in a tail, like all Sasanian noble youth with no imagination. He was broad-shouldered, but lanky, and didn't seem quite comfortable in his own body. His glow was pulsing, flaring bright and dim, the border of it shifting. It flickered yellow and green.

His eyes were bright, almost feverish, excited. Anticipatory. He licked his lips and said her name again. "Min."

"Sein," she said, standing up. She caught her breath, as if eager. And so she was, but not for him. His eyes moved over her hungrily. Possessively.

"You look beautiful tonight," he said huskily, "You look beautiful every night." He reached out and touched her hair, grabbed hold of the end of the scarf, and pulled. The knot slipped free, and her hair tumbled loose around her. He ran his fingers through it, tilting her head back, and she let her eyes close.

He kissed her neck, then moved up to kiss her ear. She put her hands on his chest and pushed. "Not now. Not yet. First-"

"Him," Sein whispered, pulling back. "And then? And then you'll let me..."

Her mouth curved into a deeper smile. Enticing. "And then I'll be very...very...grateful."

He sighed. "You are beautiful tonight. I just have to get you into the house?"

"Yes."

He pouted slightly. "I want to kill him."

"That's not the deal," Min said, a flutter of panic in her chest. He is mine! "I kill him. You can kill the wife."

"Mother."

She waved a hand dismissively.

"I've always hated him," Sein said, twisting his fingers in her hair. "He thought he could hold me back. Well now we'll see who's in charge! When I own the business..."

He kept talking, and Min looked like she was listening. The dagger was cold against her skin. She heard the end of his rant: "You're sure you don't want me to help?"

"I kill him."

He gave her a doubtful look. "It may be too hard for you."

She laughed softly. "I don't think it will be."

His look turned to appraising. "You know, it's a shame you're not my full sister. The two of us running the family business would be unstoppable."

Min smiled again. She'd taken a risk, telling Sein of the bond between them. It could have ruined all her plans. But the time she'd spent on her own, and in the guild, had taught her how to read men. Sein was his father's son. She had been attractive as an exotic blonde half-elf. As his bastard half-sister, she was positively irresistible to his depraved noble lineage.

"The city would never recognize me," she said dismissively. They'd had this discussion before. "Let's go now."

"I'll distract the guards. You go around to the kitchen entrance. Wait for my call."

She let him go outside and waited until she heard the sounds of conversation. She slipped out of the stables carefully, her breath quick at the thought that perhaps Sein intended to betray her, that the guards would be waiting for her. But their backs were to her, and she moved with agonizing caution to the manor house, to the back door. She waited there, for him.

Sein made it back to the house eventually, walking past her and to the door. It was branded with the Domid family crest, a lion roaring between four doves on a red field. Sein reached out to touch the seal, then stopped and whispered, "You do it."

Min pursed her lips. She didn't like deviations from the plan. But she understood. She had not sworn alleigance to the house, like the guards had, so there was only one reason the door would open for her. She slipped out of the shadows just long enough to lay a hand on the lion's face, and the symbol glowed briefly under her fingers. She felt a tingle run up her arm, a pale echo of the power she felt from time to time, and an uncomfortable coiling in her stomach. As the door swung open, she withdrew back into the shadows.

A guard stood just inside the door, alert and attentive, and Sein said blandly, "Any excitement tonight? The men outside heard some kind of noise."

"Nothing in here, sir," the guard replied, and as Sein chatted idly he moved casually around beside the guard. Bare inches away, Min stepped through the door and shut it with the utmost softness behind her. Her nerves were taut under her skin as she moved, step by careful step, through the stone-walled foyer only an arm's length behind the guard. As she moved, so did Sein. He mirrored her, turning the guard ever away so she was always at his back. Min unconsciously faced her half-brother, stepping backwards when he stopped moving because she knew the archway to the hall was behind her.

When she was safely hidden in the dark room, she breathed again. Sein kept the guard engaged for a few more minutes, then walked into the room. The vaulted ceiling was thick with shadows, the wide feast-tables warped with years of bearing heavy platters. Curved stairs led to the upper floors. Min drifted out of the shadows and followed Sein up a flight.

All was quiet in the upstairs hall, but for the sound of Min's heart. It was racing, pulsing, beating a staccato on her eardrums. They stopped outside an ornate door, and Sein pulled out a key. "He keeps it trapped," he whispered, "You said you could deal with it."

She nodded and knelt down before the door. Sein stood close to her, belt buckle at eye level, and Min tilted her head back to give him a sultry look lest he lose his nerve. She drew out her wires once again and examined the lock. It was good; a series of confusing threads, stretched taut in a spiderweb, connected to a network of bells. Snipping the wrong one would drop them noisily on the ground. She forced all extraneous thoughts away and concentrated on following the loops and turns of the thread until she had found the one she wanted. She snipped it with only a brief hesitation, and there was no sound of bells. They were in.

The boy unlocked the door, and pushed it open silently. The room beyond was dark, only faint moonlight coming in through the heavy curtains. The four poster bed was huge, as solid and respectable as the Domid name professed to be.

Sein stood still, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dark, but Min was already moving. She slid her hand up her leg, under her skirt, and drew out the dagger. She moved around to the left of the bed, knife raised, her breathing coming faster. This is it.

He lay peacefully in the bed beside his wife. An older, more rugged version of Sein, wrinkles around the corners of his eyes and mouth, a touch of grey in his hair. He had a beard, neatly trimmed. His mouth was shaped like Min's. His glow was faint, dull in sleep, a serene blue-green teardrop. She felt the hot, heaving rage well up in her, expanding her chest until she felt her ribcage would crack. He needs to know.

"Wait, Min," Sein was whispering, still blind.

"Domid," Min said harshly.

The man stirred faintly, a grimace crossing his features. Min raised her voice a notch. "Domid. Father."

"Min, what are you doing?" The whisper more urgent.

Domid's eyes fluttered open. "Ugh. Wha-?" He saw her - a shadow only to him. His night-blind human eyes struggling to find details in the dark.

She bent down, until her hair trailed on his face. "It's me," she whispered, "It's me killing you." He opened his mouth and she shoved the dagger into his chest, into his heart. Domid made a gagging noise, and one arm flailed out, jerking spasmodically. She tried to rip the dagger downwards, tried to slice him open, but it was tough. She had to put both hands on the hilt, drag with all her weight.

He had struck his wife in his flailing, and she was sitting up. "What - what -" she stuttered, trying to decide if she were awake or dreaming. Sein swore and charged around the right side of the bed, stabbing down with his rapier. He caught his mother in the side, fortunately hitting a lung. Her scream came out a squeak.

But she wasn't dead, and she was going for the bell pull. Domid was still thrashing, but the light was leaving his eyes. His glow was grey, dwindling. Min ripped the dagger from his chest and lunged towards the woman, throwing her body over the dead man's, stabbing wildly. She hit the woman several times, blade sinking down into soft flesh with a wet sound. Domid's wife gagged and went limp. Min lay sprawled across their bodies, blood soaking into her dress.

[Medesha]

She scrambled forward, legs dragging over her father's corpse. She tumbled onto the floor with almost a sob. "I did it," she whispered, the dagger falling from numb fingers. The emotion was too great. She felt paralyzed.

Sein hauled her to her feet. She tottered, clutching at his arms. He pushed her into the wall and kissed her hard, deep. It was several seconds before she mustered the strength to push him away.

"Min," he said, his voice sounding a little scared. "They're dead."

She picked up her bloody dagger and re-sheathed it. "I need a drink," she said, her voice hoarse, "And so do you."

"There's some in my room," he said. "This way."

She dragged a blood trail to the window. It wouldn't fool the watch for long, but she didn't need much time. Then she followed Sein, making sure he locked the door behind them. She pretended to reset the alarm, though it was beyond her skill.

Sein’s room had a slightly smaller four-poster bed in it, a fireplace full of banked coals that dimly illuminated the room, and a decanter of whiskey. He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked down at his hands. They were trembling slightly.

Min poured them drinks. "They're dead," he whispered.

"Yes," she said. Her voice was strong, steady. "You are the master now, Lord Domid. This is your empire."

"Yes," he echoed, sounding more sure of himself. "Mine."

She pressed a glass into his hand and sat down beside him. "Drink."

The liquor was hot and strong on her tongue - it soothed her. He looked at her and put a hand on her thigh. "You're pale."

"No, I'm not."

He smiled at that. He was pale, too. "Tell me," he said, stroking her leg absently, "Tell me why you wanted him dead."

She looked at her drink. "You really want to know?"

He nodded.

It can't hurt. She took another sip and then said quickly, "My mother was beautiful. I look like her, of course, but she was ten times prettier than me. She wanted to see the world. She didn't know what human cities were like - she didn't know what Sasania was like. It ate her alive. It destroyed her."

"You mean fa - Domid, or..?"

Min shrugged. "He was part of it, but it was just Sasnia. She didn't know how insular the cities here are. I was born here, but I feel it too. I'm a foreigner, first. Then a half-breed. Then a woman. Then, maybe, a person, but few people get that far."

She took another sip, and Sein followed suit. "Domid was persuasive. She thought she'd found a kind man, one who looked past her race. He kept her from his wife, of course. Their little secret. I think she was happy. Then, of course, she got with child, and he threw her out. Told her never to speak to him again."

"Bastard," Sein muttered, his voice slightly slurred. Min decided the irony of his insult was unintentional.

"She did the best she could," Min continued, "She got a job in a tavern, saved what money she could, tried to give me a good life. She told me about my father. When she got sick, I went to him for money."

"You went to father for money?"

"Yes. I begged him. She was dying. He threw me out." She trembled finely. "I got on my knees for him, and he threw me out. He had the guards beat me for good measure."

"Terrible," Sein said vaguely. He moved his hand up to cup her breast and tried to kiss her neck.

Min let him. "When she died, I did what I had to, to survive."

"Y'ever think about finding the others?" He kissed the point of her ear to show what he meant.

"I thought about it. I decided this was more important. I swore that I'd destroy the Domid line as soon as I was strong enough. His lineage in payment for her life."

"All but me 'n you," Sein muttered.

"I'll never acknowledge his blood in me. I like to think that, wherever he is now, he knows that the only way his line will survive is through his half-breed bastard daughter. As for you...you'll be dead in about a minute."

Sein blinked hazily at her. "Eh...what?"

She smiled and kissed his nose. "Finish your drink, brother."

He didn't, but it didn't matter. The poison he'd ingested so far was enough to kill three boys his size. Min stayed in the room until she'd finished her own drink. Then she walked downstairs.

She'd known it would be hard, getting off the grounds without Sein's aid, but it didn't matter at this point. She had done what she'd come to do.

The guard at the back door didn't see her. She came up behind him and stood on tip-toe to cut his throat. He made noise, unfortunately - gagging and thrashing on the ground while she skipped around the widening pool of blood. Her lineage opened the door, and she didn't stop when the guards outside shouted for her to. For a moment, she was tempted to take her vengeance on the man who had beaten her so badly back then. But the odds were against her; this was not their night. She raced across the lawn and scrambled over the fence. The guards had to go around to the gate; by then, she was gone.

She stopped at her room to change, wadding up her bloodstained clothes and throwing them down a sewer grate on her way back to the bar.

When she was a block away, she stopped. The night was quiet around her, the stars above invisible behind the thick clouds. Min closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the soft wind on her face, and then opened them and looked down. She looked at herself and focused.

There, in her chest, it danced. A deep blue flame, almost violet in the right light. It shifted under her gaze, twisted, and two jagged crimson blotches appeared, mixing with the blue, marking her to any who saw her this way. She knew so little about her heritage. The brands she now bore might keep her forever from it, from the elves who valued life so highly they could see it pulsing in all things.

But it was worth it, she thought. The night was cold; she shivered. Wasn’t it?

Min kept walking.

Everyone was where she'd left them, it seemed, sitting at their tables, drinking their drinks. It would be hard to leave them, when she'd come so far in this city. But the murders would be traced to her eventually, and the city could not allow its noble houses to be so grossly eliminated. It was time to move on.

"Hey, Minny," Rush drawled as she pushed through the doors, "Enjoy your walk?"

"Yes," she said, that old, easy smile slipping into place. "Yes, I did. It was a nice night."

[BAH! That character limit is hella annoying. Oh well, I hope it's readable anyway.]

[K Man]

Oh well, I hope it's readable anyway.

Very readable...thanks for bringing it here.

Let me first say this was good. I liked the transition of a young woman intent on killing but, when actually faced with completing her agenda, appearing much more weak and frail. A good development and well told. Good use of metaphors and descriptions.

However, I found it a bit confusing at times. Perhaps it's my understanding of puncuation but as you read on, I'll try to explain more. I was always taught to pause on commas when reading aloud and when you say most of this aloud, (Or in your head for those of you fearing that 'The Man' maintains a watch on you) it sounds 'clunky' in some parts. I'll extrapolate as I critique.

Disclaimer - I'm by no means an English expert and, from what I can tell, there really are none in the world that can agree on rules of the language. So if I seem like I'm making this up...I probably am.

She always wore something blue; it brought out her eyes - those lovely azure orbs, almost violet in the right light, their slight slant giving her an exotic air.

Alot of punctuation here. Maybe something more like - "She always wore something blue; it brought out her eyes. Lovely azure orbs that were almost violet in the right light, their slant giving her an exotic air."

A wise woman once said, "Simple is better."

Everything about her was slight: the tilt of her eyes, the point of her ears, her small frame, the angle of her cheekbones.

Again, this seems like a very cohesive thought stitched together unnecessarily. Perhaps - "Everything about Min was slight. The tilt of her eyes, the point of her ears, her small frame, even the angle of her cheekbones."

She'd tied back her smooth golden curls with it, let them spill down her back like a silken waterfall.

If you read the portion of the sentence above after the comma - "let them spill down her back like a silken waterfall." - It sounds more like a command than a description. I would replace the comma with an 'and' or change 'let' to be 'letting'. Just reads better.

Min preferred it when men though her weak.

Spelling error - Should be "...men thought her..."

And there's nothing wrong with being a whore.

I like Min already. ;D

A chuckle ran around the room; the words were innocent enough, but Rush's tone was inimitable.

Again, over puncuation. "A chuckle ran around the room. The words were innocent enough but Rush's tone was inimitable." Very nice word by the way, 'inimitable'.

He could fit a whole paragraph into three words. You can go out, but come back home after, like a good little pet. No-one touch her while she's out, for she's my property.

Very nice. Paints quite the image of ol' Rush. He's a lover not a fighter right?

She'd practiced, in front of a mirror, for a long time, until her face naturally fell into a sweet, vapid smile whenever she wasn't concentrating.

I think this can be re-puncuated or re-worded. "She'd practiced, in front of a mirror, for a long time until her face naturally fell into a sweet, vapid smile whenever she wasn't concentrating." or "She'd practiced for a long time, in front of a mirror, until her face naturally fell into a sweet, vapid smile whenever she wasn't concentrating." I don't think it flows well with two dependent clauses.

duskily complected.

Congratulations. A word I had no idea existed. 'Complected'. I thought you were making it up but that statement is far from the truth.

: having a specified facial complexion <a tall, thin man, fairly dark complected -- E. J. Kahn>
-- Usage Not an error, nor a dialectal term, nor nonstandard--all of which it has been labeled--complected still manages to raise hackles. It is an Americanism, apparently nonexistent in British English. Its currency in American English is attested as early as 1806 (by Meriwether Lewis) and it appears in the works of such notable American writers as Mark Twain, O. Henry, James Whitcomb Riley, and William Faulkner. Complexioned, recommended by handbooks, has less use than complected. Literary use, old and new, slightly favors complected.

Impressive...most impressive.

but it was a look of covetousness

Perhaps - "but it was a covetous look," Just seems to flow better.

He was typically Sasanian, dark haired and duskily complected. Even without the exotic touch of her elven features, Min stood out in a crowd.

I think a new paragraph should begin between these two sentences. One minute your talking about Rush's dark appearance, then onto Min's appearance and how everyone desires her. Just makes a drastic jump between ideas. Maybe work in a transitional sentence - "Rush was easily identifed to those that knew him, but he could still blend into a scene unnoticed."

Rush did things to her she didn't like, in the dark, but he kept her from the other men.

A little different - "Rush did things to her in the dark she didn't like, but he kept her away from other men." Not as much emphasis on the lighting conditions when these things happen, but more on what Rush does for her.

"Don't get into any trouble, hey?"

The comma 'hey?' is strange. Try - "Don't get into any trouble eh?" or...I don't know. Just seems weird.

There was a large manor house with yellow-glass windows that glowed like baleful eyes in the dark.

Should be - "It was a large manor..." or "There it was, the large manor..." I think it needs to specified which estate you're talking about since in the sentence before you mention two different estates.

Min's elven heritage was enough to let her see his connection to the world,

Elven heritage was enough? Is there another requisite? I would just reword to read - "Min's elven heritage let her see his connection to the world,"

It glowed in his chest, like a small candle-flame, oval and yellow.

Take out the first comma and hyphen. - "It glowed in his chest like a candle flame, oval and yellow."

The other was slightly taller than Min, round-faced, smooth-skinned, his glow dark and red and hard.

Could be two sentences. - "The other was slightly taller than Min, round-faced and smooth skinned. His glow dark and red and hard."

She lifted one hand, tingles starting in the tips of her fingers and running down her arm as she let the power loose, let it build in her like a wave, like a drumbeat.

Shifting thoughts out of chronological order. - "She lifted one hand, tingles starting in the tips of her fingers as she let the power build within her, like a steady drumbeat. She let the power loose, feeling it trickle through her arms like cold water."

moving with an almost careless slowness

Kind of confusing. Moved quickly, carelessly or cautiously? Maybe - "Moved at a careless pace but with enough attention to..."

It tasted like bile, and blood

"It tasted like bile and blood,..." First comma not needed in my opinion.

enough to make her invisible to him.

"to him" seems reptitive. Just take it out. We know who she's hiding from.

If she were caught, now - her vengeance would be lost,

Misplaced first comma. "If she were caught now, her vengeance would be lost,..." or if you still want to keep emphasis on the time being important - "If she were caught, now, her vengeance would be lost,..."

It gave up with a click, and she let herself hastily in, closing the door behind her.

Take out the first comma and reword. - "It gave up with a click and she hastily let herself in, closing the door behind her."

It was pitch black, but Min's pretty eyes caught up the least bit of moonlight filtering through the cracks in the walls, and she saw the room clearly.

I don't think any of the commas present here are necessary. It reads fine without them. Maybe keep the first one there since it makes a complete thought.

smoothed her skirts,

Skirts plural?

It was at least an hour, alone, in the darkness, but she didn't fidget. She didn't pace, or hum. She hardly even blinked. She sat, an easy smile on her lips, and thought. She thought about the man in the house, and the dagger against her thigh, and what would happen when the two met.

I feel too many commas - "It was at least an hour alone in the darkness, but she didn't fidget. She didn't pace, or hum. She hardly even blinked. She sat, an easy smile on her lips, and thought. She thought about the man in the house, the dagger against her thigh, and what would happen when the two met."

a lion roaring between four doves, on a red field.

Comma here not necessary - "a lion roaring between four doves on a red field." Sounds fine.

{More to come of course, but I have games to attenf to.}

Overall, I liked the dialogue between Sien and Min in the stable, very believable.

Good piece Medesha!

[Medesha]

K said:

Let me first say this was good. I liked the transition of a young woman intent on killing but, when actually faced with completing her agenda, appearing much more weak and frail. A good development and well told. Good use of metaphors and descriptions.

Thank you, thank you! I took most of your suggestions. The ones I didn't I noted below, just so you could see my thought process, as it were.

First of all, yeah, I use lots of commas! I must cut down on them. Someone once said, "Avoid commas, that are not neccesary". I really tried to get rid of a lot of them based on your advice. Semi-colons I just can't do without, though.

I like Min already. ;D

;D I love Min!

Congratulations. A word I had no idea existed. 'Complected'. I thought you were making it up but that statement is far from the truth.

It is a great word.

Perhaps - "but it was a covetous look," Just seems to flow better.

I like the repetitive style of the sentence. If I changed it, it would become, "but it was a covetous look, not a predatory look", and I don't think it's quite as quick and neat that way. I'm going to leave it (for now).

The comma 'hey?' is strange. Try - "Don't get into any trouble eh?" or...I don't know. Just seems weird.

"Hey" is an interjection, and should be set off with a comma.

Elven heritage was enough? Is there another requisite? I would just reword to read - "Min's elven heritage let her see his connection to the world,"

I meant to imply she had enough elf in her to gain their life-sight, but obviously I worded it poorly. I'm glad you caught it, and it's fixed. Is it clearer now?

Skirts plural?

Medieval dresses usually have several layers of skirts, starting with the petticoat and moving out in layers. "Skirts" is almost used as a singular in that case. But since I used "skirt" earlier, I changed it here.

{More to come of course, but I have games to attenf to.}

Overall, I liked the dialogue between Sien and Min in the stable, very believable.

Good piece Medesha!

Thank you, thank you!

[K Man]

I like the repetitive style of the sentence. If I changed it, it would become, "but it was a covetous look, not a predatory look", and I don't think it's quite as quick and neat that way. I'm going to leave it (for now).

Was there something wrong with - "but it was a covetous look, not one of predation." Seems grammatically correct to me.

Is it clearer now?

Much. Thank you. ;D

Her nerves were taut under her skin as she moved, step by careful step, through the stone-walled foyer, only an arm's length behind the guard. As she moved, so did Sein, mirroring her, turning the guard ever away so she was at his back always. Min unconsciously faced her half-brother, stepping backwards when he stopped moving, knowing the archway to the hall was behind her.

So...many....commas...(Hey, you think if it affects me this much I could be labeled as 'Commatose'...Ba-dun-tish! ;D)

The vaulted ceiling was thick with shadows, the wide feast-tables warped with years of bearing heavy platters.

Nice.

Sein took one flight, and Min drifted out of the shadows and followed him.

Sounds funny, too many "and's" Maybe - "Sein took one flight and Min drifted out of the shadows to follow him."

Sein stood close to her, belt buckle at eye level, and Min tilted her head back to give him a sultry look, lest he lose his nerve.

I'd be losing a little more than nerve at that point. *Dirrty* Anyways, reword with less commas - "Sein stood close to her with his belt buckle at her eye level. Min tilted her head back to give him a sultry look..."

as solid and respectable as the Domid name.

From reading the story, this sounds like a lie yo. Traiterous offspring, lecherous family heads etc. By the sounds of it, the bed should either be rotten to the core and creaky, or the family name should be changed.

It was heavier than she remembered.

Are we led to believe the dagger has some significance? Maybe I missed it but were are we supposed to remember the dagger from? Just a thought.

She bent down, until her hair trailed on his face. "It's me," she whispered, "It's me killing you." He opened his mouth and she shoved the dagger into his chest, into his heart. Domid made a gagging noise, and one arm flailed out, jerking spasmodically. She tried to rip the dagger downwards, tried to slice him open, but it was tough. She had to put both hands on the hilt, drag with all her weight.

He had struck his wife in his flailing, and she was sitting up. "What - what -" she stuttered, trying to decide if she were awake or dreaming. Sein swore and charged around the right side of the bed, stabbing down with his rapier. He caught his mother in the side, fortunately hitting a lung. Her scream came out a squeak.

But she wasn't dead, and she was going for the bell pull. Domid was still thrashing, but the light was leaving his eyes. His glow was grey, dwindling. Min ripped the dagger from his chest and lunged towards the woman, throwing her body over the dead man's, stabbing wildly. She hit the woman several times, blade sinking down into soft flesh with a wet sound. Domid's wife gagged and went limp. Min lay sprawled across their bodies, blood soaking into her dress.

Murder is cool...

He pushed her into the wall and kissed her hard, deep, and it was several seconds before she mustered the strength to push him away.

Could be two sentences, broken at - "hard, deep. It was several..."

I was born here, but I feel it too. I'm a foreigner, first. Then a half-breed. Then a woman. Then, maybe, a person, but few people get that far."

He moved his hand up, cupping her breast, and tried to kiss her neck.

Switching tenses? Shouldn't it be - "He moved his hand up, cupped her breast and tried to kiss her neck."

As for you...you'll be dead in about a minute."

Women...*sheesh* Saw this coming at about the backstory portion. Very well done though.

The only thing I missed was a graphic description about his tongue swelling up and flopping out of his spasming mouth, blue like a rotten fish. Such a description for the murder...but not for the poisoning? I want gore damnit!!

Very nice Medesha...let us know where it goes.

[Medesha]

Again, I took most of your suggestions, unless noted here!

K said:

Was there something wrong with - "but it was a covetous look, not one of predation." Seems grammatically correct to me.

Yeah, well, your grammar is the one where...you got beat up by a girl!

(Note: Reference.)

I changed it; you're right. I just really like the word "predation".

So...many....commas...(Hey, you think if it affects me this much I could be labeled as 'Commatose'...Ba-dun-tish! ;D)

Consider yourself so labeled!

I'd be losing a little more than nerve at that point. *Dirrty*

From reading the story, this sounds like a lie yo. Traiterous offspring, lecherous family heads etc. By the sounds of it, the bed should either be rotten to the core and creaky, or the family name should be changed.

Don't forget incestuous. ;D I was trying to go for irony or something; I reworded it.

Are we led to believe the dagger has some significance? Maybe I missed it but were are we supposed to remember the dagger from? Just a thought.

I think I was trying to imply how real this was to Min; this wasn't just a fantasy, it was actually happening. Everything seemed more intense. But I just took it out, because I'm not sure how to make that more clear.

Switching tenses? Shouldn't it be - "He moved his hand up, cupped her breast and tried to kiss her neck."

I do have a nasty habit of treating present tense like past tense. Fixed. And I took out some commas without you even asking.

Women...*sheesh* Saw this coming at about the backstory portion. Very well done though.

;D Yeah, it wasn't intended to be a big surprise or anything. Just in-character.

The only thing I missed was a graphic description about his tongue swelling up and flopping out of his spasming mouth, blue like a rotten fish. Such a description for the murder...but not for the poisoning? I want gore damnit!!

LOL! I'll ponder adding some more gore.

Very nice Medesha...let us know where it goes.

I will. Thank you so, so, SO much! I really appreciate the help, and I think the story is much better as a result.

[Medesha]

I've never been totally happy with the story. It seemed to be missing something, not sure what. Tonight I got an idea and changed the ending slightly. What do you think? Does it add more depth, or just more cheese?

[K Man]

More depth for certain. Good job.

Like I said, let us know where it goes.

[Japic]

I read your story last week, but then reading through yours and KMan's banter about changes took about forever. It was worth it I think though.

I think it was a great story. Even without some of KMan's proposed changes. I liked the characters, for the brief time that you met them in the story they had definite personalities. Some you wanted to see more of, and others you'd be happy to kill yourself.

I think there are only two points that I wanted to comment on.

The first is when she is sneaking into the manor, right behind the guards back. That part read funny to me. Honestly it was the only portion of the story I had to re-read to make sure I understood. Maybe that's just me. I don't exactly have suggestions to improve it, and I'm not sure what your thoughts are, but I wanted to put my two bits in.

The second thing isn't so much something wrong with what you wrote, but rather an exclusion, something you didn't write. I was sort of disheartened that she never got revenge on the guard that hurt her before. You spent plenty of time building up her contempt and fear for him, but he never 'got his' ya know? In my opinion I think he should have gotten a little something while she was escaping. Maybe the guards could have changed, and he was now at the back door. But when she realizes it was him, she hesitates in fear and then they get in a bit of a fight, where by sheer luck she manages to kill him. Maybe they roll over and her dagger (fortunately) stabs him right in the throat. It gives you a chance to show that even after the murders she pulled off, shes still just a girl who needs to rely on her head more than her muscles. The other guards can still pursue her, but she'll get away.

Is this an opening for a largerstory? or is that all she wrote? Because if it's a longer story, then she could perhaps have made a mistake by leaving her dagger behind in that last guard. One more piece of the puzzle and another reason why she needs to go.

Well, I'm done ranting. Hopefully I've provided a little help. If you are more than happy with it thus far, feel free to ignore my statement. That's just how I feel on the subject.


Great job! I hope this young lady has a future, as I for one would love to see it.

[Medesha]

Thanks, Japic! I really appreciate the feedback. I'm sending it out today, but I'm going to go over it first with your suggestions in mind. Thank you.

[Zarni]

wow, i'm impressed! this is much beter than any of my work... at first i thought the whole half-brother thing was going to be wasted, but then it all came together in a very satisfactory manner. character development was good from the start and just got better, and your descriptive passages left little to be desired. i thought the whole thing was a well rounded, fine tuned piece of writing, and can think of little that could be added to improve it.

in short, i thouroughly enjoyed reading it.

as for k-man's comments on punctuation, i got the feeling that that was simply your style of writing, which is ok; use of semi-colons should be encouraged in my opinion, i love them!

good luck with getting it published!

[Cel]

Wow! This is awesome!

Must play a Sorc/Rog/Assassin in the next campagin I join. ;D

[Medesha]

Thanks for the feedback & props, guys. Weird Tales rejected it but told me to keep trying other places. So I'm going to rewrite and do just that.

[Zarni]

there are loads of places for you to try before you have to consider completely rewriting it; i trawled the lonely bac alleys of the net for hours (literally) just to find one or two places i deemed suitable. don't give up!

(i have just finished another story, this time an attempt at a mystery; i have high hopes for it.

[Medesha]

Thanks, Zarni! Since I sent it out (which was months ago) I've been reading a lot on world-building and fantasy writing, and I actually had some good ideas on improving it before it even came back. So I'm going to tweak it a bit and then send it out again.

Also, I don't know if they have a UK version (though there are many UK addresses in it), but the Writer's Market is the best place ever to find places to send stuff.

[Medesha]

I finished the rewrite - my story is so awesome now! I'm submitting it to Leading Edge tomorrow.

[Zarni]

i have quite a bit of new material now, another four stories in various stages, two of them in final drafting stages, and then more ideas on the drawing board. one will be going off to www.scifi.com/scifiction/ soon. they pay $20 a word....
i doubt they'll accept it, a place like that'll only take the best of the best, but it's worth a try.
wish me luck!

[Medesha]

Good luck!