Post by K Man on Jun 13, 2004 16:56:18 GMT -5
*Warning! The following post is laced not only with sarcasm, but with spoilers and movie plots...the last term I use loosely. If you want to see this movie yourself, go ahead...but stop reading here.*
The Chronicles of Riddick
Alright, let me preface this post with saying that I loved Pitch Black and I love the character Riddick. The idea of a reknowned and hunted convict that is just...so.... beyond bad ass can never be overdone...never. And despite the most recent installment of our dear friend Riddick, I still love the character and respect Vin Diesel the actor, however....
...This movie is the
BIGGEST CRAP-FEST EVER!!!!
Seriously people, save yourself the 9-10 bucks and wait for the Cable run of it. I was groaning the whole time for any combination of the following reasons.
Writing Foundation - One of the principle rules to writing, that I've gathered, is get the reader to familiarize with the characters and the story before throwing too much at them. That way, when you face the character with an obstacle, the reader feels something and identifies with the pain and potential loss. I call it, 'laying the foundation'. However, David Twohy seems to believe in simply tossing the viewers into the story with little warning or knowledge and dry-fisting them with empty obstacles that are supposed to make you hold your breath and think 'they're gonna make it!!'. The whole movie is laced with sudden death choices or obstacles that have little to no meaning beyond the circumstance that Riddick or others find themselves in.
Surprising to me from someone that wrote the original Riddick in Pitch Black and a few other movies...that come to think of it, also were laced with Swiss-Cheese-esque plot-holes. (Like Impostor.)
The Names - I have great respect for J.K. Rowling for many reasons, one of them being original names. Dumbledore, Hagrid and HufflePuff to name a few. I think J.K. Rowling's names are unique enough to make me remember them, even though I'm not a devoted fan of the series. David once again rips apart the estimational criteria I had for Hollywood writers with such brilliant, surely MENSA derived names as;
- Furion. The race of beings Riddick supposedly is. Angry, volitile and defiant to the last...no shit? With a name like Furion I expected a Ghandi repetoire and tree-hugging sappiness. We know Riddick is bad ass that doesn't tolerate anything from anyone...give him a cooler name than a twisted acronym for angry...
- Cremetoria. A prison planet where the prison is below the surface of the planet. When the sun hits, the surface turns into an inferno of 700+ Degrees and if you're up there...you get incinerated. Much like a crematorium for bodies...wow, I think the Ancient Chinese proverbs have met their match for depth and provocation of profound thought.
- Necropolis. The great ship of the Necro-Mongers, a sort of flying 'city of dead'. (Which I should mention, only one of the 'NecroMongers' was dead...and only half dead at that.)The only thing I think David could have done to mess this up more would have been to call it the empire of Necro-Nominimity-Necroness. We get it, they like the dead. Give it up.
These are just a few samples.
The Necro-Mongers - The 'bad guys' of the movie. A race of beings that campaign across the stars in search of something called 'The Underverse'. (I already checked the Victoria Secret's catalogue, it's not in there guys.) These guys suck as villains. A whole squad of those bumbling, comical warrior droids from Star Wars or one Legolas could have whooped all of these guys easily. They had a few creeds, which really were nothing more than David setting up Riddick for clever, well-placed one liners. Such as;
"Take what you kill." - First off, this creed should be universal, not the creed of a powerful army. If it's dead, how can it say no? Take the shit. Anyways, this creed is really strange since the Necro-Mongers, once done maruading a planet, never take it...they instead reduce it to a charred, ashen husk and leave it floating in space like a giant turd. Follow your own rules guys, instead of only letting it be used against you when Riddick kills your leader and then becomes commander of your army. By the way, after Riddick kills the 'Lord-Marshall' and takes the army, nobody challenges him because apparently their disobedience was only against the last guy...not the one that just killed him.
"Obedience without Question" - Woohoo...then a Necro-Monger girlfriend would be perfect, right guys? Wrong. (By the way, I was trying to be funny with the last statement, not sexist.)
There is disobedience all over this hizzy. There is one Necro-Monger girl, a wife of basically the second in command, that is constantly trying to get her husband to kill the leader. The second in command does try to kill the leader only to have Riddick beat him to it. Brainwashed and obedient my ass. In fact, Riddick gets his ass saved by another Furion who underwent the Necro-Monger brainwashing procedure, yet still manages to find the Furion in himself to save a fellow member of the race. I can see the situation now.
"Sir. We have this Furion here for brain washing. Should we use extra brain-wash juice...you know, since he's a Furion? 'Defiant to the last' and all..."
"No you idiot! Overhead is too high lately. In fact, use half-doses and sell the rest on eBay to make up for our company picnic."
Man...
The Necro-Mongers also were led by the 'Lord-Marshall', a man that was a half-dead (Is that like half a hole?) warrior bad ass that apparently had seen 'The Underverse' and was trying to go back. Why did you leave in the first place? Seriously, all Necro-Mongers talk about 'The Underverse' taking away all their pain when only this one guy saw it and was apparently so pleased with it that he left and started an army that is now crusading to find it again. We get no explanation of why Lord-Marshall left 'The Underverse', why he's half-dead and can move like a Matrix agent, or what exactly 'The Underverse' is...
I mean, you're not even really sure what the bad guys are marauding for in the movie, or why they fight for it so desperately, or why they are going back there... Etc etc...the questions just keep flying the more you watch and you're expected to identify them as the bad guys, or 'the greater evil'.
To me, they just seemed like some guys lost in the universe with cool weapons and ships, an unhealthy Feudian obsession with the dead and a leader that preached alot. It was like "Star Trek: Voyager" all over again...
Physics - My last point to make. I understand that even with the 'magic of the silver screen', one must suspend a certain amount of disbelief to enjoy them thoroughly...but come on. You had better place your belief in cryo-stasis for this one boys and girls, cause it's that bad.
Pouring water over yourself to stem the heat of a 700+ degree sunrise, a planet that rotates so fast that night and day are about thirty minutes apart...yet has normal gravity, 'elementals' as beings composed of air that can be shackled and threatened with a plummet to their death from the bombay doors of a ship...
...only to name a few.
Now, before anyone thinks that I have nothing to say about this movie, I'd like to interject here.
The Special Effects - In a word...astounding. The imagery and scenes are simply breath-taking. I loved the images of Helion Prime before it was devastated. I love the charred and wicked surface of Cremetoria. I loved the icy surface of the first planet (Can't remember the name)..the point of all this being that I loved the special effects and imagery.
Vin Diesel - Still a good actor. He played the part of Riddick well and made me truly believe that he was a convict of indeterminate power and attitude...exactly what a good actor is supposed to do. It's not his fault that he was forced to deal with poor writing. Plus he plays D&D so he will always rank high in my book.
Also, ladies, my girlfriend went with me and when questioned about his performance could only mutter breathlessly, "He sweats good..." So on her word, if you must see Vin on the big screen... go see it.
Choreography - Also well done. Good fight scenes complete with bone-crunching sound effects. A necessary ingredient in any Sci-Fi movie.
The one-liners - Probably the only good thing I have to say about David. He does managed to have some snappy one-liners with in character dialogue. The only problem is that he does little to build them up, moreso relying on the one-liner making you forget what it was in response to.
The Chronicles of Riddick
Alright, let me preface this post with saying that I loved Pitch Black and I love the character Riddick. The idea of a reknowned and hunted convict that is just...so.... beyond bad ass can never be overdone...never. And despite the most recent installment of our dear friend Riddick, I still love the character and respect Vin Diesel the actor, however....
...This movie is the
BIGGEST CRAP-FEST EVER!!!!
Seriously people, save yourself the 9-10 bucks and wait for the Cable run of it. I was groaning the whole time for any combination of the following reasons.
Writing Foundation - One of the principle rules to writing, that I've gathered, is get the reader to familiarize with the characters and the story before throwing too much at them. That way, when you face the character with an obstacle, the reader feels something and identifies with the pain and potential loss. I call it, 'laying the foundation'. However, David Twohy seems to believe in simply tossing the viewers into the story with little warning or knowledge and dry-fisting them with empty obstacles that are supposed to make you hold your breath and think 'they're gonna make it!!'. The whole movie is laced with sudden death choices or obstacles that have little to no meaning beyond the circumstance that Riddick or others find themselves in.
Surprising to me from someone that wrote the original Riddick in Pitch Black and a few other movies...that come to think of it, also were laced with Swiss-Cheese-esque plot-holes. (Like Impostor.)
The Names - I have great respect for J.K. Rowling for many reasons, one of them being original names. Dumbledore, Hagrid and HufflePuff to name a few. I think J.K. Rowling's names are unique enough to make me remember them, even though I'm not a devoted fan of the series. David once again rips apart the estimational criteria I had for Hollywood writers with such brilliant, surely MENSA derived names as;
- Furion. The race of beings Riddick supposedly is. Angry, volitile and defiant to the last...no shit? With a name like Furion I expected a Ghandi repetoire and tree-hugging sappiness. We know Riddick is bad ass that doesn't tolerate anything from anyone...give him a cooler name than a twisted acronym for angry...
- Cremetoria. A prison planet where the prison is below the surface of the planet. When the sun hits, the surface turns into an inferno of 700+ Degrees and if you're up there...you get incinerated. Much like a crematorium for bodies...wow, I think the Ancient Chinese proverbs have met their match for depth and provocation of profound thought.
- Necropolis. The great ship of the Necro-Mongers, a sort of flying 'city of dead'. (Which I should mention, only one of the 'NecroMongers' was dead...and only half dead at that.)The only thing I think David could have done to mess this up more would have been to call it the empire of Necro-Nominimity-Necroness. We get it, they like the dead. Give it up.
These are just a few samples.
The Necro-Mongers - The 'bad guys' of the movie. A race of beings that campaign across the stars in search of something called 'The Underverse'. (I already checked the Victoria Secret's catalogue, it's not in there guys.) These guys suck as villains. A whole squad of those bumbling, comical warrior droids from Star Wars or one Legolas could have whooped all of these guys easily. They had a few creeds, which really were nothing more than David setting up Riddick for clever, well-placed one liners. Such as;
"Take what you kill." - First off, this creed should be universal, not the creed of a powerful army. If it's dead, how can it say no? Take the shit. Anyways, this creed is really strange since the Necro-Mongers, once done maruading a planet, never take it...they instead reduce it to a charred, ashen husk and leave it floating in space like a giant turd. Follow your own rules guys, instead of only letting it be used against you when Riddick kills your leader and then becomes commander of your army. By the way, after Riddick kills the 'Lord-Marshall' and takes the army, nobody challenges him because apparently their disobedience was only against the last guy...not the one that just killed him.
"Obedience without Question" - Woohoo...then a Necro-Monger girlfriend would be perfect, right guys? Wrong. (By the way, I was trying to be funny with the last statement, not sexist.)
There is disobedience all over this hizzy. There is one Necro-Monger girl, a wife of basically the second in command, that is constantly trying to get her husband to kill the leader. The second in command does try to kill the leader only to have Riddick beat him to it. Brainwashed and obedient my ass. In fact, Riddick gets his ass saved by another Furion who underwent the Necro-Monger brainwashing procedure, yet still manages to find the Furion in himself to save a fellow member of the race. I can see the situation now.
"Sir. We have this Furion here for brain washing. Should we use extra brain-wash juice...you know, since he's a Furion? 'Defiant to the last' and all..."
"No you idiot! Overhead is too high lately. In fact, use half-doses and sell the rest on eBay to make up for our company picnic."
Man...
The Necro-Mongers also were led by the 'Lord-Marshall', a man that was a half-dead (Is that like half a hole?) warrior bad ass that apparently had seen 'The Underverse' and was trying to go back. Why did you leave in the first place? Seriously, all Necro-Mongers talk about 'The Underverse' taking away all their pain when only this one guy saw it and was apparently so pleased with it that he left and started an army that is now crusading to find it again. We get no explanation of why Lord-Marshall left 'The Underverse', why he's half-dead and can move like a Matrix agent, or what exactly 'The Underverse' is...
I mean, you're not even really sure what the bad guys are marauding for in the movie, or why they fight for it so desperately, or why they are going back there... Etc etc...the questions just keep flying the more you watch and you're expected to identify them as the bad guys, or 'the greater evil'.
To me, they just seemed like some guys lost in the universe with cool weapons and ships, an unhealthy Feudian obsession with the dead and a leader that preached alot. It was like "Star Trek: Voyager" all over again...
Physics - My last point to make. I understand that even with the 'magic of the silver screen', one must suspend a certain amount of disbelief to enjoy them thoroughly...but come on. You had better place your belief in cryo-stasis for this one boys and girls, cause it's that bad.
Pouring water over yourself to stem the heat of a 700+ degree sunrise, a planet that rotates so fast that night and day are about thirty minutes apart...yet has normal gravity, 'elementals' as beings composed of air that can be shackled and threatened with a plummet to their death from the bombay doors of a ship...
...only to name a few.
Now, before anyone thinks that I have nothing to say about this movie, I'd like to interject here.
The Special Effects - In a word...astounding. The imagery and scenes are simply breath-taking. I loved the images of Helion Prime before it was devastated. I love the charred and wicked surface of Cremetoria. I loved the icy surface of the first planet (Can't remember the name)..the point of all this being that I loved the special effects and imagery.
Vin Diesel - Still a good actor. He played the part of Riddick well and made me truly believe that he was a convict of indeterminate power and attitude...exactly what a good actor is supposed to do. It's not his fault that he was forced to deal with poor writing. Plus he plays D&D so he will always rank high in my book.
Also, ladies, my girlfriend went with me and when questioned about his performance could only mutter breathlessly, "He sweats good..." So on her word, if you must see Vin on the big screen... go see it.
Choreography - Also well done. Good fight scenes complete with bone-crunching sound effects. A necessary ingredient in any Sci-Fi movie.
The one-liners - Probably the only good thing I have to say about David. He does managed to have some snappy one-liners with in character dialogue. The only problem is that he does little to build them up, moreso relying on the one-liner making you forget what it was in response to.
