Post by K Man on Aug 20, 2004 9:12:14 GMT -5
Plot (Term used loosely) Summary: Since the beginning of time, the Predators, the feared, hulking alien game hunters, have come to Earth for one simple reason: to engage in a coming of age ritual. To become "men," the teenage Predators have to hunt down a hive of Alien warriors and successfully defeat them and claim the skull as its trophy. However, during one hunting session, the easily aggravated Aliens fight back, leading to the destruction of the two species and the Aztec people who worshipped the Predators as Gods. Nearly two thousand years later, billionaire industrialist Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen) rediscovers the pyramid, buried thousands of feet under the ice of Antarctica, with his satellites. Knowing that he has discovered something important, Weyland fixes up a team, led by Lex Woods (Sanaa Lathan), and heads down to the Antarctic to find the pyramid. But once they get there, the enslaved Queen Alien awakens from her sleep, which results in the production of new eggs and Facehuggers. And to make matters worse, the new hunting clan of teenage Predators, led by the brash and violent Celtic, have arrived, ready to hunt down both the Aliens and the humans within...
Tagline: Whoever wins... We lose.
KMan's Tagline: Whoever buys a ticket...loses.
Again...if you do not want to know any spoilers, please walk away from this thread now.
Still here?
Good, I'll save you $10 bucks. Walk into the movie theatre and ask to see "AVC". Upon the ticket worker looking at you quizically, reiterate with the words "Aliens Vs. CRAP!". Then laugh and walk away. Seriously folks, I've not seen a bigger crap fest, Sci-Fi let down since The Chronicles of Riddick. This movie is laced with plot holes and poorly thought out obstacles. This is like a 2 hour, late-night Cinemax B-movie porn scene. It takes too long to get to the action, and the action leaves you wanting more.
However, in the interest of being fair. There are a few highlights.
The special effects. - The snarling aliens, the predators and their space age armors, the blasts of energy from weapons, the dripping slimes...etc. All done very well. Even the ancient 'hunting grounds' were well-designed and intricately detailed.
The Links to previous movies. Mentioned above is the man that funds this expedition, CEO of Weyland industries. Throughout the movie, there are references to him being a leader in robotics and nanotechnology. I didn't catch the reference, but Merv pointed out that it was the same actor that played 'Hicks', the android in Aliens, so Weyland was the father of robotics and thusly all androids were created in his image. Very cool link.
The Story itself. - Despite plot holes, bad acting and stupid circumstances, the story itself is pretty cool. An ancient breeding ground, rites of passage for the greatest hunters in the galaxy etc. Very cool story...just poorly portrayed.
Which brings me to my next few points...the bad stuff.
The Predators. - In a word, stupid. Get this, since the dawn of Mayans, Cambodians and Egyptians, they have been coming to this planet every 100 years to hunt the aliens in this ritual. Ok, do the math, every 100 years for 3000 years = About 30 times.
YOU WOULD THINK IN THE FIRST 27 TIMES THEY WOULD LEARN THE ALIENS HAVE ACID BLOOD!!!
Man, I shit you not. Everytime an alien dies, the predator gets stung by acid blood and looks at it like, "Ouch, why didn't they tell me they had acid blood?" or better yet, "Why didn't they give me acid-proof armor/weapons/whatever to counteract it?" Very poor preparation on the Predators part.
Also, only three predators enter the temple, three predators going through their rites of passage. Not a bad idea except that one alien smokes two of three predators in about two minutes. I'm serious, one gets a tail through the chest and the other just gets ripped apart. Very cheesy deaths and tragically funny.
The third, as it turns out, spent his nights on the mothership watching 'The Matrix' and 'Enter the Dragon' repeatedly until he possessed ninjistu skills from hell. He's in a room, leaning over one of his dead friends when a 'face-hugger' appears behind him in a tunnel. He spins and slices the baby as though it were nothing. He turns around again and (Dramatically) we see a full grown alien climb down from the ceiling with ulitmate stealth. Just as he's about to stab the remaing predator, the predator turns around and cleanly slices off the alien's head in one move. He does this several more times to establish he was the 'A' student in Alien Ass-Whooping 101.
The Ending. - First off, only one human survives this movie. She is an Antarctic expedition leader that has been living on the ice since she was a child. (However, she is good-looking enough for us to assume she grew up in New York at a Gucci store.) Anyways, this woman, called 'Lex', ends up making friends with the remaining predator by luckily killing an alien in his presence. He marks her with the mark of a warrior, and together the two defeat the queen in a climatic outdoor ice battle. Well, of course the remaining predator dies in the battle with the queen, cause we can't have one predator survive, and the rest of the predators 'de-cloak' around her as she's kneeling over his body. (As though she suddenly gave a crap about the alien entity that tried to kill her three times before she made friends with it.) The grand Poomba predator walks down and drops a spear in her hands upon seeing her warrior mark, and they carry the predator body away, leaving Lex in the middle of Antartica.
Well, you're supposed to feel happy that Lex survived and that she'll live to see another day. Well, for those of us that live in 'The Real World', Lex, sans one acid-burned jacket and dripping with sweat, would be dead in 20 minutes of being left alone on the coldest continent on the planet. Happy ending, hooray!
Now, earlier in the movie, the bad-ass predator gets attacked by a 'Face-hugger' and we never really see what happens. Well, you're supposed to forget about it by the time the ending comes around, and in a dramatic scene, a ship full of predators leaves the bad-ass predator's body on an altar, in a hangar of the ship. Well, with the drumbeats of suspense, the baby alien pops of out its chest and WHAM, roll credits.
Merv and I sit there...unphased. Imagine our thoughts if you will, "Oh no. One baby alien on THE MOTHERSHIP OF THE PREDATORS!" Seriously, if even one more predator is as bad-ass as the main one, what chance does the alien have? And without its queen...so what! Jeez...what a dramatic ending.
So in essence, the Predators win.
The Gun-Safe. - The predators, as part of their rites of passage, must show up to the temple and retrieve their weaponry and begin the hunt. Well, the humans inadvertently steal the weapons and trigger the hunt themselves by opening up the 'gun-safe' by changing some dials on the Mayan calendar to today's date.
If you were the most-feared and most-abled hunters in the galaxy, would you lock your weapons in a safe designed by the very things you treated like cattle?
Probably not huh? Well, the predators did, and they spend nearly the entirety of the movie trying to get their guns back from the humans. Imagine locking your .44 Magnum in a gun safe, your 3 year old getting it out and you chasing him around the house to get it back...
The Sacrificial Chamber. - As stated, since the beginning of man, The predators have been coming to this planet to activate and hunt the aliens in this temple. Well the ancient mayans would willing become hosts for the 'Face-huggers' and thusly allow the aliens to breed. Not a bad story idea.
Now, when the crew arrives at the temple site, they find an abandoned whaling station from 1904 (100 years ago) that was miraculously evacuated over night. No one knows where the people went nor were any trace of them found. Again, not a bad idea.
Except that when the crew enters the sacrificial chamber...all they find are Mayans! For every 100 years the predators come here and need human hosts to start the process of the hunt...WHERE ARE THE OTHER BODIES? Europeans from the dark ages? Cowboys? Shit, even someone from 1904...nope, all frozen Mayans from like 3000 years ago. Not even the 'missing' Whalers from above. bad plot point.
Ugh...I'm sure that if you don't take my advice and see it, you'll find many more and I could probably type more, but I have better things to do today.
Just take my advice, stay from this flick...
KMan
Tagline: Whoever wins... We lose.
KMan's Tagline: Whoever buys a ticket...loses.
Again...if you do not want to know any spoilers, please walk away from this thread now.
Still here?
Good, I'll save you $10 bucks. Walk into the movie theatre and ask to see "AVC". Upon the ticket worker looking at you quizically, reiterate with the words "Aliens Vs. CRAP!". Then laugh and walk away. Seriously folks, I've not seen a bigger crap fest, Sci-Fi let down since The Chronicles of Riddick. This movie is laced with plot holes and poorly thought out obstacles. This is like a 2 hour, late-night Cinemax B-movie porn scene. It takes too long to get to the action, and the action leaves you wanting more.
However, in the interest of being fair. There are a few highlights.
The special effects. - The snarling aliens, the predators and their space age armors, the blasts of energy from weapons, the dripping slimes...etc. All done very well. Even the ancient 'hunting grounds' were well-designed and intricately detailed.
The Links to previous movies. Mentioned above is the man that funds this expedition, CEO of Weyland industries. Throughout the movie, there are references to him being a leader in robotics and nanotechnology. I didn't catch the reference, but Merv pointed out that it was the same actor that played 'Hicks', the android in Aliens, so Weyland was the father of robotics and thusly all androids were created in his image. Very cool link.
The Story itself. - Despite plot holes, bad acting and stupid circumstances, the story itself is pretty cool. An ancient breeding ground, rites of passage for the greatest hunters in the galaxy etc. Very cool story...just poorly portrayed.
Which brings me to my next few points...the bad stuff.
The Predators. - In a word, stupid. Get this, since the dawn of Mayans, Cambodians and Egyptians, they have been coming to this planet every 100 years to hunt the aliens in this ritual. Ok, do the math, every 100 years for 3000 years = About 30 times.
YOU WOULD THINK IN THE FIRST 27 TIMES THEY WOULD LEARN THE ALIENS HAVE ACID BLOOD!!!
Man, I shit you not. Everytime an alien dies, the predator gets stung by acid blood and looks at it like, "Ouch, why didn't they tell me they had acid blood?" or better yet, "Why didn't they give me acid-proof armor/weapons/whatever to counteract it?" Very poor preparation on the Predators part.
Also, only three predators enter the temple, three predators going through their rites of passage. Not a bad idea except that one alien smokes two of three predators in about two minutes. I'm serious, one gets a tail through the chest and the other just gets ripped apart. Very cheesy deaths and tragically funny.
The third, as it turns out, spent his nights on the mothership watching 'The Matrix' and 'Enter the Dragon' repeatedly until he possessed ninjistu skills from hell. He's in a room, leaning over one of his dead friends when a 'face-hugger' appears behind him in a tunnel. He spins and slices the baby as though it were nothing. He turns around again and (Dramatically) we see a full grown alien climb down from the ceiling with ulitmate stealth. Just as he's about to stab the remaing predator, the predator turns around and cleanly slices off the alien's head in one move. He does this several more times to establish he was the 'A' student in Alien Ass-Whooping 101.
The Ending. - First off, only one human survives this movie. She is an Antarctic expedition leader that has been living on the ice since she was a child. (However, she is good-looking enough for us to assume she grew up in New York at a Gucci store.) Anyways, this woman, called 'Lex', ends up making friends with the remaining predator by luckily killing an alien in his presence. He marks her with the mark of a warrior, and together the two defeat the queen in a climatic outdoor ice battle. Well, of course the remaining predator dies in the battle with the queen, cause we can't have one predator survive, and the rest of the predators 'de-cloak' around her as she's kneeling over his body. (As though she suddenly gave a crap about the alien entity that tried to kill her three times before she made friends with it.) The grand Poomba predator walks down and drops a spear in her hands upon seeing her warrior mark, and they carry the predator body away, leaving Lex in the middle of Antartica.
Well, you're supposed to feel happy that Lex survived and that she'll live to see another day. Well, for those of us that live in 'The Real World', Lex, sans one acid-burned jacket and dripping with sweat, would be dead in 20 minutes of being left alone on the coldest continent on the planet. Happy ending, hooray!
Now, earlier in the movie, the bad-ass predator gets attacked by a 'Face-hugger' and we never really see what happens. Well, you're supposed to forget about it by the time the ending comes around, and in a dramatic scene, a ship full of predators leaves the bad-ass predator's body on an altar, in a hangar of the ship. Well, with the drumbeats of suspense, the baby alien pops of out its chest and WHAM, roll credits.
Merv and I sit there...unphased. Imagine our thoughts if you will, "Oh no. One baby alien on THE MOTHERSHIP OF THE PREDATORS!" Seriously, if even one more predator is as bad-ass as the main one, what chance does the alien have? And without its queen...so what! Jeez...what a dramatic ending.
So in essence, the Predators win.
The Gun-Safe. - The predators, as part of their rites of passage, must show up to the temple and retrieve their weaponry and begin the hunt. Well, the humans inadvertently steal the weapons and trigger the hunt themselves by opening up the 'gun-safe' by changing some dials on the Mayan calendar to today's date.
If you were the most-feared and most-abled hunters in the galaxy, would you lock your weapons in a safe designed by the very things you treated like cattle?
Probably not huh? Well, the predators did, and they spend nearly the entirety of the movie trying to get their guns back from the humans. Imagine locking your .44 Magnum in a gun safe, your 3 year old getting it out and you chasing him around the house to get it back...
The Sacrificial Chamber. - As stated, since the beginning of man, The predators have been coming to this planet to activate and hunt the aliens in this temple. Well the ancient mayans would willing become hosts for the 'Face-huggers' and thusly allow the aliens to breed. Not a bad story idea.
Now, when the crew arrives at the temple site, they find an abandoned whaling station from 1904 (100 years ago) that was miraculously evacuated over night. No one knows where the people went nor were any trace of them found. Again, not a bad idea.
Except that when the crew enters the sacrificial chamber...all they find are Mayans! For every 100 years the predators come here and need human hosts to start the process of the hunt...WHERE ARE THE OTHER BODIES? Europeans from the dark ages? Cowboys? Shit, even someone from 1904...nope, all frozen Mayans from like 3000 years ago. Not even the 'missing' Whalers from above. bad plot point.
Ugh...I'm sure that if you don't take my advice and see it, you'll find many more and I could probably type more, but I have better things to do today.
Just take my advice, stay from this flick...
KMan
Even cooler link, now.
